Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
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They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
(walks into coworker’s office who has an Echo)
Alexa, what is Pi to a thousand digits?
(walks out)
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I’m trying to unlock it more than two times, I’m driving off without you.
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
It must be such a rush to be a predator and feel the need to chase and catch something while at the SAME TIME thinking “That looks delicious.”
Like imagine if donuts could run.
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
Been thinking about getting dressed since I got out of the shower 3 hours ago. It’s quite obviously not going to happen but like everyone always says, it’s the thought that counts…
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Ikea said if they catch me stealing any more kitchen utensils I’ll be banned for life. But I’m willing to take the whisk.
interviewer: questions about the job?
me: how can I get suspended with pay
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
Someone punctured my boss’s tires and I’m definitely gonna tell him about it, but first let me put the nail gun back in the backpack.
When people tell me my skin is soft I can’t help but wonder if they’re measuring me for a rug
Fall, when my kids clean the yard by bringing ALL the leaves into the house
Saw a standup duo last night. One totally died on stage. The other killed. Actually, now I think about it, it might have been a cage fight.
Me: Yells at my kids to stop wasting water.
Also me: Washes same load of laundry three times.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Christmas movie innkeepers play fast and loose with their unattended candles.
Me: I hate how someone keeps putting advertising flyers on my windshield and forcing me to throw them away.
Friend: Flyers for what?
Me: Some club called VIOLATION.
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
I think the only job requirement you need to become a TSA agent, is to know how to do a really good eye roll while you’re chewing gum.
There is a piece of aluminum foil blowing across the road and all I can think is that one of you is without your protective headgear today.
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you
I closed all the windows and curtains in the house. I don’t know where all this stupidity is coming from.
One day I’d like to be able to exit a room without everyone simultaneously exclaiming “dear god, what just happened”
(At a restaurant) 11: What if I ordered a Jack Daniel’s at the bar?
Me: You’d finally go to bed on time.