My life is like a Disney movie in that I’m grumpy, dopey, sleepy, and sneezy most of the time and I once got caught brushing my hair with a fork
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Soundgarden: Black hole sun, won’t you come and wash away the rain
Neil deGrasse Tyson: Literally nothing about that is right
I’m watching Olympic athletes run 1500m, while trying to figure out how I can make the Roomba drive 3m to the beer fridge for me.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
I’m putting on weight for a movie
*eats popcorn in cinema
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
My quest began, passing through the forest of enlightenment, ascending the mount of discovery, galloping over the fields of ruin, and I reached the sacred place. Why is the taco bell toilet so far from the serving area anyway
“get a dog” they said
“it’ll be fun” they said
yeah right, you try explaining to the neighbours about the remains of the 17 ex-lovers it just dug up from your back yard
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Twitter should really come up with a “Temporarily hide user’s tweets until user gets their shit together” button.
Anyone mad about favstar shutting down can mail me $30, and I’ll tell your friend you like their tweet.
kid: let’s go to disneyland
dad: fair enough
kid: no, disneyland
“Though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil..”
Him: Do you have to say that everytime we visit my mom?
Stay in milk
Brush your school
Drink your teeth
Don’t do sleep
And get eight hours of drugs
When you need to go shopping but have to Kill Bill first.
Having this propane tank bounce around my floorboard is one way to work up a sweat on a chilly morning
Death: your time has come.
Me: no! not now!
Death: yes now.
Me: but… I have to poop?
Death: ……damn it. Go on then.
Me: wow that actually worked.
My toddler: *nods sagely*
Stages of a quick trip to Costco:
1. I need only one thing.
2. I need a shopping cart.
3. I need help loading this in my car.
4. I need a bigger car.
Me: More fur & these cute little whisk-
Police Sketch artist: you’re describing a cat
Me: please his birthday is today & he loves portraits
Watching a documentary on a murder in a small town and there was probably a total of 7 teeth among all the people that were interviewed.
Fun Fact:
The human brain isn’t able to register typos or grammar errors until after hitting teh Send button.
Never let me in your house because I will do stuff like this
Since I’m wearing a white top, I’m going to go ahead and eat this meatball hoagie while I drive.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
When you go to the zoo, one person in your party is required to wear a safari hat. It doesn’t have to be you, but if you’re lucky, it will be.
Cutting toxic people out of my life. No more “friends” covered in hydrofluoric acid who think it’s “cool” to eat lead
“Houston we … are fine.”
Female astronaut probably
parenting hack: take your kids to the park then just leave them there. start a new life. be you. enjoy traveling again. make new friends that don’t care what color the cup or bowl is. you don’t need that negativity in your life. be free.
So I recently learned that that plastic thing you pull off the top of the Pringles can can be put back on so it’s like you never opened it.
Still not sure why you would need this though.