Me: *eating ribs*
Morgue Attendant: *crying fearfully*
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I had to deal with the most impatient and rudest cashier.
I’m never using self-checkout again.
Every time I see inside my neighbour’s incredibly pristine garage, I wonder what secret shenanigans he is up to in his basement.
I just realized how much money I’m gonna save on education when I drove past a field with cows in it and my 4yo says “hey look moo cows oink oink oink!”
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
I bet ducks would love bananas if they knew about bananas.
1) Worms have no bones.
2) Gummi worms are made of gelatin.
3) Gelatin is often made of bones.
4) Gummi worms have more bones than real worms.
In the United States a man gets kicked in the groin every 6.2 seconds. I would hate to be that man.
If I ever ask you, very seductively, “Do you wanna do it?”
It means take a nap.
*holding a hose*
Husband: What are you doing?
Me: I’m spraying anyone who steps on our property.
Husband: Isn’t your family coming over?
Me: *grins* In 7 minutes.
Went to Target to look at discounted Christmas stuff but apparently it’s Valentine’s Day now.
I. FORGOT.
I. FORGOT.
My friend got a peloton. Now she’s posting with words I don’t understand and people are responding with similar words and it’s like when everybody watched game of thrones and I didn’t.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
Some people come into your life for a reason.
Like for target practice.
I have no tolerance for people who refuse to give different voices to characters in a book they’re reading to their kid.
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
OMG IT’S GOING TO KILL US ALL!!
~ My dog every time I use a broom
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Every time “Cops” comes on I’m like “PLEASE don’t show my episode.”
Me: I realized I’ve never made a goose happy. I’ve never made a goose sad, but I’ve also never made one happy. Today is the day I change that.
Baker: So, two loaves of bread?
Me: yes two please.
Turns out you can only accidentally email your boss a photo of a puffin once. Twice and it’s ‘on purpose’.
The twins brought in significantly less candy than I purchased. Running Halloween at a deficit is simply not acceptable.
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
WIFE: you probably need a shower
KID: why? how do I smell?
ME: *without looking up* with your nose
[ no-look high five from WIFE ]
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
#CanadianFakeNews Police in Northern Ontario are warning citizens of a vicious moose gang after one man was abducted and tied to the roof of his own pickup truck
I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
[Amazon marketing emails]
‘BUY BOOKS!’ *delete*
‘BUY CD’s & DVD’s!’ *delete*
‘BUY TABLETS & PCs!’ *delete*
‘BUY HOME DEFIBRILATORS!’ *del—*
*looks in mirror*
Hmm *—add to basket*