Ever talk to someone so stupid you can actually hear them misspelling words?
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I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Kids save all their deepest questions about the universe for when you’re singing along to a really good song in the car.
It’s a good thing I’m off for a vacation soon. It took me 15 minutes of her talking about her Volvo before I realized she meant her car
I remember when peer pressure was all about drugs and promiscuous sex.
Now it’s Fitbit and who has the best gluten free recipes.
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
You don’t need a therapist when you have a strong support group around your barstool.
My wedding didnt even make it into my sister’s instagram september dump but her Starbucks order did
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
Boss: you need to take a drug test
Me: not if you want me to do this job
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
“The house always wins,” muttered Dorothy as she stared at the witch’s crushed body.
[first day in hell]
Satan: WELCOME TO ETERNAL HELLFIRE!
Me: ugh, thank god, my feet are freezing
Satan: HAHAH- what?
Me: *cuddling under a burning blanket* so cozy
Satan: wait, where did you get the hot cocoa?
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
When cooking for a date for the first time I use plenty of garlic so we can get the whole “vampire/not a vampire” question out of the way.
JUDGE: put ur hand on this book and promise not to lie
PERSON WHO IS IN COURT LITERALY FOR LYING ABOUT THINGS: uh…… ok
“zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real zombies aren’t real”
– me, walking my dog at night
[hurls martini into roaring fireplace] WHO TOLD MY DAD ABOUT THE INTERNET
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
There should be a true crime story about feeding someone a peanut butter sandwich and giving them nothing to drink.
[loud crashes]
Me: What was that?
4-year-old: Nothing.
Me:
4:
Me: OK.
Parenting is easier than it looks.
The best thing about being an accountant is that everyone assumes you’re not a psychopath.
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
Coworker: Good morning
Me (suddenly realizing this is my first interaction of the day): How are go?
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly