Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
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No thanks, NASCAR. If I wanted to spend 8 hrs watching a car drive around in a big circle, I’d go on a road trip with my mom.
The grass is greener on whatever side of the fence you water it. Stay in your own yard. Trespassers get shot in my yard.
The way my life is now if I threw caution to the wind it would just throw it back.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
Me, yelling my head off every day.
14 yo son: Sorry, I didn’t hear you.Pizza delivery driver exhales at front door two floors down from bedroom.
14 yo: Pizza’s here.
[first day as marriage counselor]
HER: we’re trying to have a baby
ME: ok I’ll step outside
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
If you carry a clipboard, you can call it “research” instead of stalking.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
There are so many of you I would love to hug and like two that I’m afraid they’d make me into a lampshade
Famous people could rob banks wearing masks of themselves and they’d never get caught.
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
imagining an 18 year old X Æ A-12 trying to think of an online password but just using his name
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
Make his ears more lethargic. That’s better, now flare his nostrils like he’s excited about a sale.
actually this email could’ve been a meeting. we could’ve spent an hour on the clock talking shit and gossiping. someone could’ve brought bagels
It’s actually the voices outside my head that irritate me the most.
If I come home from work and my wife is gone, I always think the worst has happened. I forgot something she said we were doing that night.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
I accidentally ripped off too much toilet paper and almost had a heart attack.
friend: *struggling to open beer* i need a bottle opener
me: here, give me your lighter
friend: ok
me: *lights cigarette and takes a long drag* yeah you’re gonna need a bottle opener
The only thing between me & a killing spree is the fact that I’d have to poop in front of people in prison.
“I wasn’t born yesterday.”
-hilarious talking baby
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
[restaurant]
DATE: [clears throat]
ME: I’m sorry. [handing her placemat and crayons] Did you want to color too?
I bet Scooby wished he never got into that van of weirdos
I can tell by the dents & busted tail light on your car you are serious about making this lane change work for you come Hell or high water.
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.