I may be getting old but not “doesn’t know what day of the week it is” old. I can tell by which day I open on my daily pill organizer.
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dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
Hate it when I’m at a hotel & the maid leaves her cart unattended & the only thing I can grab before getting caught is 3 dozen shower caps.
Stop staring at my chest! Geez dude, it’s like you’ve never seen toilet paper before!
“I love my Job!” -Job’s wife
why are we always standing after being corrected? imma have a seat after this devastating defeat thanks
Am not being sponsored to say this but if any of you guys are looking to protect your feet while walking on rough terrain, check out “shoes”
Him: The dog ate your take-home final?
Me: Yeah.
Him: So what happened?
Me: Well, a few hours later-
Him: Oh, no.
Me: -he passed the test.
The Rock is always beating people up in movies & yet no one has thought to throw a ream of paper at him
I’m not an agoraphobe, I’m deeply in love with my stuff
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
ok this is my dumbest yet
My toddler gets pretty impatient with me for someone who takes 45 minutes to eat an egg.
12 people have been to the moon and only 8 people have won Takeshis castle. Really makes you think.
I hate when people try to make small talk on the elevator. “How’s it going?”, “How about the weather?”, “Where are your pants?”.
When you’re mimicking someone behind their back and they suddenly turn around
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
{on first date}
Waitress: HELP! Is there a Doctor in the restaurant?
Date: Aren’t you going to help?
Me: Haha ok well maybe I’m not a Doctor
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
Hate seeing birds walking to their destination. It’s disingenuous. They’re just doing gravity tourism. Get back in the sky where you belong.
“Doing the dishes” is completely pointless and only wastes water. You’re just going to put food on them again in a few hours.
Me: do that thing I like
Body: sleep more than 5 hours? Pfft lol! Yeah we don’t do that anymore.
Cop: Can you describe the man who hit you with a baseball bat?
Me: So you want me a paint a “pitcher” lol
Cop: ok at least we know why he did it
Are you watching Point Break or The Fast and the Furious?
boss asked me to get an accurate headcount and i said pretty sure everyone’s only got one my dude