We can only blame SO much on trump. Some things are just Ryan Seacrest’s fault.
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Go ahead and share your political views at this office party. We’re all friends here.
– alcohol
I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again bc I have a terrible memory
“Ow that dog just nipped at me”
PEE ON IT!
“No man NO STOP THAT DOESN’T WORK FOR EVERYTHING”
I’M HERE FOR YA BUDDY!
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
Taylor Swift’s future song about Travis Kelce:
you were the chief, but I don’t follow orders
your mama and me, sharing laughs every quarter
when did you talk to me? before or after reporters
it’s like it all was a dream, oh well, always preferred the chargers
To make a long story short, just walk away once you’re bored.
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
“snitches get stitches”
Me: *bleeding profusely* Hello, Cops? My brother stole Chapstick from CVS in 1997
🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
“My fellow Americans-”
Barack
“we are working tirelessly-”
Sir
“to make sure-”
Barack. You’re still wearing ur xbox headset
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Me: Shhh. You have to keep it down or my husband will hear us.
*Me talking to a loud, crinkly sleeve of Girl Scout Cookies.
if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
Just ruined another 3yo’s life by failing to find a non existent toy they didn’t bring to school
If your FedEx driver isn’t hot, move to a house with a hot driver on that route.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
VAMPIRE: ur making this weird
ME: my neck is ticklish!
The guy I’ve been paying to pick up poop in my backyard just realized that I don’t own any animals.
Pretty sad that if you want to hit people in the knees with a hammer your career options are limited to doctor or enforcer for the mob.
I can do this parenting thing with 2 hands tied behind my back!
because they’re holding me hostage
“Charlie, I want a divorce.”
[in a black robe sacrificing a chicken on a satanic blood alter] Why?
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
Magician: For my next trick—
Me: BRING BACK THE BUNNY, YOU MONSTER
Haven’t even received my $1,200 yet and I’m already worried about gold-diggers.
COWORKER: I’m my own biggest critic.
ME: Haha, trust me. You aren’t.
I couldn’t think of an excuse fast enough so anyways I’m having company over this weekend.
[calling in sick]
me: the doctor told me to stay in bed
boss: how long?
me: just a normal size one
[hospital]
Looks like ur Vine went viral.
“Yay!”
Sorry ur VEIN went viral…you have a fatal blood disease.
“So wait–my Vine didn’t go viral?”
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”