her: i’m a night owl
me: i’m an early bird
my worm: oh no!
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Why just pufferfish? Why not other pufferanimals?
Why not a pufferpuma?
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
I’m a 4 in America, but in Germany I’m a solid nein.
Good cop: Ok relax. We are just gonna ask you a few questions
Fashion police: Who are you wearing, you piece of shit?
“Oh man, you’ve got stretched lobes and piercings? I’ve got stretched lobes and piercings, too!”
“Sweet! We should hang out!”
– Ear buds
Toddler: *crying bc it isn’t her turn with the princess crown*
Me: Sweetie, you need to share
Husband: Just give her the crown, you’re 35
*logs onto Facebook*
*sees 347 ultrasound pictures*
*logs off forever*
Thanks for the awesome options, autocorrect
I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
If you’d like to have an orange house I highly suggest purchasing your kids some cheese balls.
spell restraraurarauant without autocorrect i dare you
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Him: You smell nice. What is that?
Me: [twirling my hair] Cough drops
HER: (touching my chest) What a fascinating tattoo…
ME: Thanks. I was carrying a squid and a porcupine, and I tripped.
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
On the second day of Christmas break my children gave to me 37 loads of laundry
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
News: IKEA pledges 1 billion euros to help slow climate change.
But knowing IKEA, it will take forever to put the money together.
My cat keeps stealing my earrings off the dresser.
Jokes on her, all the backs are missing. She’ll never be able to wear them.
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
The Professor Banned Laptops In Class. Too Bad College Kids Are Petty!😂😭😭