Wife: *spreads picnic beneath large oak tree*
Me: No good
Wife: Why not?
Me: Seems shady
Wife: *attacks me with plastic cutlery*
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listen kid, i have social media profiles older than you
guys i’ve cracked the code
wife: Why didn’t you talk to me about renting a bouncy house?!
me [stops jumping]: You would have said no
You wanna buy some land? That’s asking for a lot.
Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
lookin for a quick and easy way to beef up that scrawny bod and really turn some heads at the beach? float dead in a lake
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Have you tried locking him in your trunk?
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
Boss: I’ve been told one of you is just a robot car in disguise
*everyone stares at me, even Optimus who is drinking oil instead of coffee*
[11yo takes unflattering picture of me]
11: Hahaha OMG look at this
Me: Sweetie, I’ve got blackmail material on you that would make you weep
So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
Marriage vows are all about “In sickness and in health” but I didn’t know it was ok for my wife to out-jog me by 2 city blocks on our run while she left me behind to catch my breath and eat ice cream alone.
Elevator rides in real life: 30 seconds long
Elevator rides in movies: Two minutes long
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Pregnancy tests make me wish peeing on things answered more questions.
Isn’t is weird how we have one million dog breeds and everyone is like “goldendoodle” this or “chihuahua mix” that and if you ask someone what type of cat they have it’s just like “an orange one”
Diet, Day 14:
I hate everyone. My children are scared of me & I’ve repelled everyone else.
But I’m starting to really like pears.
All I need is to hear those 3 special words
“Want a sandwich?”
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
Her: I like long walks on the beach.
Me: Is there WiFi?
Her: Where?
Me: The beach.
Her: What?…No.
Me: We should see other people.
Anime is real
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
who called it an advertising campaign and not an adventure
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.