I would walk barefoot over hot koalas for you.
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Going feral. Y’all need anything?
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
I accidentally pushed 2 for Spanish and the operator spoke perfect, fluent English
I asked my niece if she had a newspaper.
She told me newspapers are old school.
She said everyone uses tablets nowadays and handed me her iPad.
That fly never stood a chance.
*Gets left on read for hours*
Me: “I’m never talking to them again”
Them: *Finally replies*
Me:
stealing a sock from the laundry: easy. childish. been done many times before
stealing a sock directly from the human’s foot: brave. daring. immediately in the history books
My wife said “you really have no sense of direction do you?”. I said “where did that come from?” Happy turkey day
If diamonds are a girl’s best friend how come diamonds never drunkenly make out with me?
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:
If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.
I just danced like no Juan was watching, but he totally was and he cut off the tequila then threw me out of his restaurant you guys.
i can never allow myself to acknowledge tripping in public i always gotta add another couple leaps like i’m an Olympic triple jumper
Me: *needs to renew my vehicle registration*
DMV: Yes, we will need your license, registration, proof of insurance, passport, paper straw wrapper, VHS copy of The Sixth Sense, Princess Dianna Beanie Baby and for you to hit the high note in “I Will Always Love You.”
someone described my girlfriend’s skin as “sun-kissed” recently and now the sun’s about to catch these hands
And then I heard my mother’s voice come out of my mouth like a demonic possession, “Get your hands off my breakable ornaments!”
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
My biggest accomplishment this week was my AirPods surviving a trip through the washing machine. And I don’t know whether to try harder or buy a lottery ticket.
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I’ve never been more scared of a drink in all of my life.
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Airports shops be like, sure you’ve got everything? here, buy a surfboard just in case you forgot to pack one
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
No generation will ever be joked about as much as millennials.
Gen Z: Hold my tide pod…
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
I haven’t used algebra in 3x-q years
This Taco Bell rebranding sounds interesting