Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
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I deleted all my dating apps and I’m planning to meet a new partner the old fashioned way, necromancy.
It’s really funny that if you drown someone in a toilet in Hitman the authorities chalk it up to being an accidental death
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I can only listen to Russian classical music after drinking creamy tea too fast.
The chai cough’s key
The hand doctor told me that I can no longer cook, clean, or vacuum.
Which would be amazing news if I actually did any of those things.
I’ve got just over 13 hours to lose 35 pounds and finish a novel
keep reaching for the stars, kid:
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I saw a woman really screaming at her kids in public this morning, but in her defense, the kids were ugly.
Me: I think you’re going to be sick tonight.
My 9yo: *eating their fifth dinner* Why do you think that?
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
3: mommy, you’re the best
me: aw, thanks bud! I think you’re the best!
3: me too
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
*1st date*
“Nothing’s sexier than a man who can surprise me & make me laugh”
*cut to me in her closet in a clown suit*
“Hellooo soulmate”
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
Date : So you’re the youngest of three?
Me : Yep, my parents are both older.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
People get so weird when I step on the gym scale behind them, naked.
Friend: your fly is open
Me: yeah i know
Fly: it’s true i’ll try just about anything
Girl, if you’re into rocks, I promise you’ll be
Good Cop: [stares]
Bad Cop: [stares]
The abyss: You get nothing from me until my lawyer gets here. Nothing.
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
Facebook: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON! HERE’S YOUR WEDDING!
Me: Christine divorced me
Fb: IT’S BOB’S BIRTHDAY!
Me: He stole Christine
Fb: HERE’S A PHOTO OF YOUR DOG!
Me: They took the dog
Fb: I KNOW
Me: Why are you doing this
Fb: YOU HAVE MEMORIES TO LOOK BACK ON