my kid had her whole class make birthday cards for her dog who celebrated his birthday yesterday.
we don’t have a dog.
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With the magic of makeup, I go from tired old hag to tired looking old hag with eyeliner.
Last weekend my partner wanted to go to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you.
I took us to Subway..that’s how the fight started
each morning I put one uncooked ravioli in a thermos. i pour hot water over it, steeping it like tea, and then i drink it all day at work (i work at the white house) and at the end of the day, as i take the last sip of the tea, the soft ravioli slides into my mouth, and i eat it
The extreme amount of stress I feel when crawling into my sleeping child’s room to leave tooth fairy money proves I could never make it as a spy
Why did the momma kangaroo add onions, celery and various spices and seasonings to her pouch?
She was making her kids marsoupial.
Yeah but how many of you can say you’ve managed to get your head stuck in the strings of a piano
“these Kate Middleton pics will silence internet critics” I don’t think u understand how badly you’ve fucked this. there are now people on the internet who could SHAKE HER HAND and still claim she’s four cats in a wig
Still waiting for a politician to abruptly resign because someone on Twitter with 27 followers told them to.
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
Do teenagers have to meet a weekly eye roll quota because at this rate my daughter will be the MVP this year.
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
Good morning, especially if they tried to make go to rehab and you said no, no, no.
me: I have a problem.
her: whatever it is, its OUR problem.
me: ok then WE just killed the neighbor.
*My parents at my birth*
Mom: she’s beautiful
Dad: she’s perfect.
Precognitive doctor: One day she will have a “top three” monkey gifs.
My favorite farside!!
boss: you’re working very efficiently
me: oh thanks
boss: so I’m giving you more work
me: wait no you’ve misunderstood why I was being efficient
*sees a babe about to walk through a puddle*
“No no, allow me”
*gets on hands and knees and drinks the entire puddle so the babe stays dry*
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs
You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
We weren’t going to post a joke about mail, but sometimes you just gotta send it.
Looks the same on the way in, as it does on the way out
Wife to 4yo: How did you get your shirt so dirty?!
4yo: Because lunch.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
[Rock Paper Scissors Best of 7 Championship]
*down 3 games to 0 against Edward Scissorhands*
MY COACH: Stop choosing paper!
Me: *sees someone coming down hallway*
Them: Aimee! Hey!
Me: *turns and presses face against wall*
Them: Aimee?
Me: *closes eyes*
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
How to cure a headache
1. Drink a glass of water.
2. Take 10 deep breathes.
3. Give headache your credit card & tell her to go to the mall.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.