ME: I give you all my love and infection.
HIM: Um. Don’t you mean love and ‘affection’?
ME: …
HIM: …
ME: You should get tested.
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Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
You know you’re married if you’ve ever taken a picture of an empty grocery store shelf just to prove you tried.
Me: people never seem to remember meeting me.
Therapist: it’s amazing how the brain deals with trauma.
Me: No matter what you do in life, I’ll always be there for you.
Wife: Stop making promises to the pig.
The best thing about my 4 year old right now is that he’s currently saying things he must have heard somewhere but has no real concept of what they actually mean. Today everything is “151 percent awesome”
bro think about being homies w Joaquin Phoenix in “her”. trying to console him over his broken heart but at the same wanting to be like “dude she is a phone”
My husband just said I look like I fell in a bucket of pretty. I’m gonna divorce him so I can marry him again.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
no my tattoos do not have any meaning i am simply a child putting permanent stickers all over myself<3 stop asking pls
My wife says I’m wasting my time on Twitter.
She doesn’t understand the meaningful interactions I have with people.
Me: *doesn’t laugh at friend’s story*
Friend: I guess you had to be there.
Me: *builds time machine, goes there* Nope, still not funny.
Minnesota is my favorite state that sounds like it’s a small soft drink.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
librarians will, under no circumstances, put up with your shh
If I had a time machine, I’d go back in time to just before a famous person was supposed to be assassinated and borrow money from them.
Person: “Are you in a wheelchair in your dreams?”
Me [from my wheelchair]: “Are you stupid in yours?”
[me giving a TED Talk]
*repeatedly pronounces a hard first ‘c’ in ‘science’*
pharmacy child-safety bottles have gone so far that i just have to swallow the bottle whole and hope my stomach knows what to do
My dog learned how to text
Tony Hawk, age 6
Are you happily married or did your husband “jokingly” make a beeping sound when you took 3 steps backwards?
Dumbo sounds like a good idea until you think about how much poop a flying elephant would drop
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Therapist: so your parents also suffered from depression?
Me: no they both liked it
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
The one prank I think about often is George Clooney cleaning Richard Kind’s cat’s litter box to make him think his cat hadn’t been pooping and then finally laying a big one in the litter box himself as a punchline
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
I used to be sad about the climate apocalypse but i went on a few dates and, honestly, i’m ready now
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it