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Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
Her: Wow, how’d you get that black eye?
Me: *thinks back to that husky raccoon lying in wait* BAR FIGHT
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
Me – how about a Border Collie
Wife- they have long hair, too much shedding
Me- *pulling a clump of hair out of the shower drain* so shedding is a issue?
explaining to the tech that having to change into a gown for a chest x-ray doesn’t give me a lot of faith in the process
Please stop inviting me to exotic islands and hunting me for sport. It’s mean and it hurts my feelings
Planet of the Apes is starting to look downright optimistic.
Until zoom life I had no idea how many people dig in their ear.
to the lifeguard saving me: how long can you hold your breath
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
The days of good grammer has went
My daughter is yelling at Alexa because it doesn’t know a song she made up. This may be the end of their friendship.
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
I’m NOT Superman.
What appears to be a red and yellow S on my chest is just the result of a rather fortuitous mustard and ketchup stain.
I was told my $750 iPhone would improve the quality of my phone calls, but my family keeps calling telling me the same shit.
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
Four dentists: Use this toothpaste that prevents cavities
Fifth dentist: You guys know how we make a living, right?
Me: [selling like-new truck on Facebook Marketplace for $27k]
Buyer message: $50
Might start a YouTube channel “will it hurt if i drop it on my foot”
How actors in movies eat their food
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
genie: hello-
me: i wish for a goth figure skater to get into the olympics and do a routine to welcome to the black parade
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
you grow up— lose your baby teeth learn to ride a bike graduate college get a few bad haircuts and the next thing you know you’re planning how to make someone’s death look like an accident
Humans are so stupid! This is why aliens probe us. They think our brains are up our butts.