Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
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A dog catcher implies the existence of a cat dogcher.
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
“It’s important to remember Snitches get stitches”, I whisper to my 5 year old nephew as my sister asks who drank all of her wine.
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Marriage after kids is basically two zookeepers arguing about who has to clean up the monkey poop on a daily basis.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
If I’m busy and see an interesting article, I open it in a new tab, read the first paragraph, and later, when I have time, close the tab
Of course I’m not going to use my cat’s real name. Lord knows what all these internet perverts would do with that information.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
I always thought animal husbandry referred to the level of assertiveness I was expected to bring into the bedroom after I got married
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
My service cat has walked me into traffic 14 times today.
Gonna put watermelon on my pizza just to start a Twitter uproar
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
Pretty sure my cold is trying to seduce me. I sneezed and my bra unsnapped.
“To be is to do” – Socrates.
“To do is to be” – Nietzsche.
“Do be do be do” – Sinatra.
“Beep beep beep” – R2D2.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Friend: I’m worried about you.
Me: *pours tequila over cereal* Why?
Dating is collecting information about someone until you realize you don’t like them
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Deck the halls
Patio the foyer
Balcony the den
Porch the bathroom
Am I doing this right?
yes, I did pass these out on my last family vacation.
After checking my credit report, the realtor showed me a vast array of tents and fancy cardboard boxes in the woods.