We never dreamed that one day we’d sit at work and use our phones to spy on our mailmen with our doorbells.
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if you think electrolytes are good you should try the electroheavies
*holding a rattlesnake in each hand*
These are the angriest maracas I’ve ever played
In 7000 years, some archeologist is going to be confused as shit after he unearths a stationary bicycle.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
Being a little bit crazy is like being a little bit pregnant – you can only hide it for so long.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
Date: Want to go back to my place and get naughty?
Me: Nice try, Santa.
Ice skating is like walking in cursive
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
Body: I need water.
Me: Diet Coke?
Body: No, water.
Me: Wine?
Body: NO, WATER!
Me: Coffee it is.
Me: you are chewing your food too slow son
Kid: am doing it faster in my imagination
Me: try faster in real too
Kid: it tastes better in my imagination
I don’t have time to get to know you
Be cool immediately
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
uber driver heard me singing along and changed the station…
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
95% of your time as a parent is spent trying to figure out who broke it, who stole it and who ate it
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
[lying in bed after sex]
Sorry for all the screaming, I’m afraid of the dark
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I attend online school everyday.
My kid joins in whenever he feels like it.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
doctor: whats the problem?
me: my right leg is missing
doctor: no problemo
me:
doctor: great success, we’ve attached your leg
me: my left leg is missing now
doctor: no problemo
SORRY MISTER, BUT MOM SAYS I CAN’T GET IN YOUR VAN UNLESS THE CANDY’S SUGAR-FREE.
♫ Hey there Delilah, this is dispatch please come quickly
There’s a robbery in progress
Suspect is white & in his 50s
And high on gluuue ♫
This made me smile…