THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
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Yoga Teacher: Set an intention in your heart
Me: I want to be sexy
Yoga Teacher: A kindness for the world
Me: Ok, I want everyone to be sexy
TEENS IN THE 70S: let’s protest war
TEENS IN THE 80S: let’s protest capitalism
TEENS IN THE 90S: let’s rage against the machine
TEENS TODAY: let’s eat laundry detergent
[raises hand] is it ok to drink the bath water if you’ve only been in it for a few minutes
[my health teacher opens the drawer he hides his scotch in]
So sweet. An A380 playing in the snow.
I only have eyes for you. I got them from the morgue. I’ll probably get arrested.
TWEET CALL
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I count the fridge as one of my erogenous zones.
People who drink green tea, what’s the matcha with you?!
If anyone finds a twenty dollar bill, it’s mine.
this is the best day of my life
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
sometimes i sneeze so loud and hard i think i’m a dad
my gf left me cuz i’m insecure
never mind she’s back she went pee
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
Best wishes to the local youths I met outside the supermarket today. They asked me to buy alcohol for their gravely ill grandfather whose dying wish is 3 bottles of vodka and a case of beer. I was happy to help. Please give my best wishes to your grandad, guys.
It’s snowing again but luckily it’s the kind of snow you see in paintings about Valley Forge and not the kind you see in movies about Siberia
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
When I die, before my will is read, I want my entire Google search history revealed and whoever is left in the room gets it all.
Hell hath no fury like me when I’m ranting and someone interrupts me with rationale.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
How to calm a crying baby:
1. Pick it up.
2. Ok, so when it turns like 5 you can put it back down. Good luck.
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
50% of mariachi bands end in divorciachi.
Not to say my family is messy but I’ve had two different Roombas escape out the backdoor.
I’m like if a scented trash bag was a person.
my toddler lifts up a piece of her salad and declares, “it’s a leaf, mommy.” and then: “let’s put it back outside.”
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
The walls in my panic room are painted beige so I’m panicking but bored about it.
I know it’s called Words With Friends, but the moment you play “QI” on a triple word spot, you just became my mortal enemy.