me: hi, can you tell me which is the bride’s side?
lawyer: guests are not allowed at divorce proceedings
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If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Some people throw pasta at the wall to see what sticks, while other people just learn how to cook pasta.
Rich people say “Summered” we summered on Cape Cod. We went to Maine once on a Wednesday, I Wednesdayed in Maine
My kid said that bagels are just sad donuts, so obviously he’s broken and I have to return him.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Sandy
4. Hand Jive
5. Ramalamalamadingadadingedong
– Five Stages of Grease
[Girl from Willy Wonka turns into a blueberry]
Wonka: Call in The Blue Man Group!
[Blue Man Group rolls her out while singing Eiffle 65]
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
Bread bowls are not dishwasher safe. I know that now.
When I see an Olympic figure skater fall down, I feel represented.
I saw that post about caramelizing onions taking 90 minutes and i just want to know why that person found every onion in the tri-county area and put it in a small cast iron pan
It’s like yeah, guy, if you put eighty onions in a thimble, it’s gonna take a fortnight to caramelize
Wanna know what it’s like being married?
Chain yourself to a wild animal.
Now kick the animal.
Watermelon Boss!
I have almost 500,000 miles on my office chair …. So I got that going for me.
Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
Every once in a while someone really special walks into your life. That person is usually delivering a pizza
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
THEM: Don’t you want to have a baby?
ME: No thanks, I’m full
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
Just got nominated for an Oscar for my role as “man surprised his credit card was declined”
me: ooh wonder what kind of hawk that is
my 5yo, helpfully: maybe a mo-hawk
I made my 4-year-old sit at the table till she finished her lunch
It took her 3 hours
She was so excited to be done
Then I served dinner.
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
Death metal fans are complaining abt all the noise. Irony.
*getting kidnapped
Me: Thank you.
why I oughta
Relationship status: Sometimes I have imaginary conversations with supermodels.
Her: What an incredibly handsome and witty thing to say.
“this corrupt city needs a hard rain. a hard penetrating rain for a dirty city. a thrusting rain. god so deep” – from my novel Sex Rain