[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
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5 just told me she is on the phone and it’s not ok to interrupt her work call. Then hushed me as she walked away explained to her coworker how hard it is to work with parents around.
Her “phone” is the kitchen calculator.
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Kesha dropping the $ sign from her name just shows how bad the economy really is
Good luck listening to 80’s music without imagining my silhouette doing karate poses.
me: I carry a lot of stress right here
masseuse: this is a brain scan
WIFE: you didn’t use my shampoo again did you?
ME: *shakes my head no but my lustrous hair gives me away*
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
If listening to a 30 minute explanation of a 5 minute YouTube clip sounds fun, parenting may be right for you.
Jellyfish have survived here on Earth for 650 million years without brains. Great news for stupid people.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
[1st date]
Him: We share perfect chemistry!
Me: *but all I hear is the word “share” as I create a fortress around my nachos with my hands*
So how long do I have to microwave this spider before I let it bite me?
I have a friend whose thighs don’t touch..I was jealous until a breeze came up..It sounded like a turbo fan in wind tunnel. Small favors.
Whenever I unsubscribe and it asks me why, I choose “other” and put “you know what you did.”
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
EARTH: Goodnight Moon
MOON: Goodnight Earth
EARTH: Come closer and give me a kiss
MOON: Okay
{millions perish in massive tidal wave}
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
internet flirting is all fun and games until someone buys a plane ticket
Netflix: Can YOU solve these Unsolved Mysteries?!
Me: *sitting on the couch in my underwear eating my fourth bowl of Coco Puffs* Prolly
Pro tip, if you go to a therapist and are in the waiting room, never EVER put on a fake prison accent and ask another person “So what’re you in for?”
Wife: Let’s spice things up in the bedroom.
Me: Hey baby, I’ll tikka your masala. Heh.
Wife: Absolutely not like that.
5 and I are playing “guess the number I’m thinking of” with no limits and no clues. He’s guessing sequentially from 1. Talk next week, guys!
WebMD: you have all the diseases
Dark WebMD: and here’s how to spread them
My neighbor just yelled at her kids so loud, that even I brushed my teeth & went to bed.
Me : what’s that thing that’s not a bed
Husband: a chair?
Me: No
Husband: cheeseburgers?
Me: No come on!
Husband: mice?
Someone with OCD visited my TL whilst I was napping and now all my tweets
seem to be facing the same way.