Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
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I think the next Fast and Furious should take place in a world with adequate public transportation. Then they wouldn’t need to worry about going so fast since they would just get everywhere on time.
When you have a clap light in your bedroom, rough sex also becomes a rave.
“And why did you join our gym?”
▫️to stay healthy
▫️a friend recommended it
☑️I’ve seen myself naked
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Huge thanks to @funTweeters for publishing my tweet! This made my week 🙂
Apparently it’s ‘inappropriate’ to show up at your therapist’s home to swim in her new pool even though your ‘boundary issues’ paid for it.
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
HEADS UP: if I can’t get around you on the sidewalk, I join your family
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Never let them know your next move 😂
PMS: Going to the dentist?
ME: Yeah.
PMS: Gonna tell him what happened?
ME: *flashback of biting into an ice cream container*
Nah.
Be the change you want to see in the world.
*follows husband around house closing cabinet doors
**You’re through to 911, dial 1 for human cops, dial 2 for lobster cops**
[smashes 2 frantically while crayfish tries to break down my door]
Me: At least I’ve lost 5 lbs over the past week because of my depression
Therapist: Great, but happiness is our focus, not your weight loss, and you may gain it back once you achieve the feeli-
Me: OH MY GOD PEGGY CAN YOU JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
Made some terrible life choices the last few years.
Just kidding. I’m married and not allowed to make decisions.
“It says on your profile you’re part of an orchestra? What instrument do you play?”
“Gun”
We have received 4 Christmas cards this week. I’m glad to see so many others don’t have their shit together either.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Took our children to Finland to visit Santa and the youngest wrote his Christmas list and popped it into Santa’s hand as we left his house in the North Pole. No fear like being told “Santa knows what I want” by a child who asked for nothing but M&S ham the previous Christmas.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
Me: I was just killing time
Arresting officer: Tim. His name was Tim
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
If I was a germ, I’d probably be from the 0.01% that Purell can not kill.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
Call your dad now and ask him what the wifi password is so he has time to find the little paper it’s written on before Thanksgiving.
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”