You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
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[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
Re-using mouthwash is one life hack you’ve heard here first
My office computer just crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see whats happening.
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
Good cop: I get it. You wanted an easy way out.
Laptop: Please update Adobe.
On date night my wife took me to a place where you make your own pottery. I made an urn.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again
[1st date]
DATE: When I’m with a handsome man I get all nervous & involuntarily start speaking French
ME [leans across] Oh really?
DATE: Yes
Not only has that ship sailed it has entered the Bermuda triangle
OMG guys just watched the news and those “COEXIST” bumper stickers totally aren’t working :/
Me : Sorry Boss, I’m late as I had to drop my girlfriend at her college.
Boss : If you are late again you are fired.
Me : Fine, YOU can drop your daughter at college from tomorrow.
I panicked when my car wasn’t in the driveway after walking home from the mechanic so my Mensa invitation should arrive any day now
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
Me: *leaning into him* I wanna do things to you that are illegal in 50 states
Him: yeah?
*steals his car*
I wish I had a little robot companion that put his arm out and shook his head at people who tried to talk to me before lunch.
in lieu of flowers call my wife and pretend to be me from beyond the grave. my d.o.b. is 5/24 and my mom’s name is kathy.
Me: I’m sort of a chicken magnet
Him: Don’t you mean chick magn-
*sounds of distant bawk-bawking*
Me: We have to go NOW
My son had a side hustle of selling King’s Hawaiian slider sandwiches to his dorm mates. And you know kids these days and cash. We were seeing these $3 Venmos going in the account around midnight many weeknights. I had to finally just ask him and then I offered to partner up.
I can’t believe the atomic bomb was dropped from a plane. How the hell did that get through airport security
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Mom, can I have another piece of pecan pie?
“You mean MAY, not CAN”
Ok, mom can I have another piece of pemay pie?
I like my women how I like my government: open and unprotected.
I know you had tons of fun at Mardi Gras back in ’97, but really it’s time to take the beads down from your rear view mirror.
A game married people play.
My tapeworm is demanding a series of expensive property repairs. Any landlords able to provide advice?
During a prostate exam #BadTimesToHighFive