“They say there’s no such thing as a free lunch. That ends today!” — me as I rally lunches everywhere to overthrow their oppressors
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He was like, ‘We’re all slowly dying’
So I was like, ‘WRONG’
and I threw him in front of a moving bus.
[at the plastic surgeon] please doc help me my Barbie doll has appendicitis
Him: Don’t say anything about his hair
Me: Ok
My brain: HOW hair hairy HAVE hair YOU hairy hair BEEN? hair
Her: I’m breaking up with you
Me: Don’t leave me oh please! Why?
Her: It’s the way you have to arrange every sentence you say alphabetically, it’s weird.
Me: No oh 🙁
Wow, it’s a beautiful day outside. I should probably do something.
*closes the blinds so there isn’t a glare on my screen*~ Developers
one taught me love
one taught me patience
and one taught me pain
Fidel Castro was alive?
Sometimes somebody will retweet something from way back in my timeline and I’ll think “oh god, what all did they see to get there”
A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
5-year-old daughter: I don’t like my princess shoes with the heels.
Me: Do they hurt your feet?
5-year-old: I can’t run from zombies.
Daughter just wandered in after being put to bed and I hid the ice cream I was eating like it was a joint.
Them: Can you describe yourself in five words?
Me: Stay at home couch accessory.
me: slip out of that little red thing you’re wearing
*unwraps Babybel*
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for it’s health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
Me: What’s the score, who’s winning?
Therapist: Ok so that’s really not how couples counseling works.
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
Museum Philanthropy: We stole all this shit, now you can look at it.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
Interviewer: Why did you leave your last job?
[flashback to everyone chanting “SHIT PANTS”]
Me: It was just time for a change.
My neighbours are loud and obnoxious. Now I know how Canada feels.
You know what? I’m sick of your attitude.
*Unfrenches your fries*
You politely tap a jogger with your car one time, and suddenly you get labeled a hero.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
Pushed a 15 year old dog in a stroller and not once did she ask for Cheerios or a juice box.
Airlines will call themselves Air France then fly from Costa Rica to Germany
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
nothing will ever burn me quite as bad as when my sister told me i reminded her of those aliens who smoke cigarettes and drink coffee in men in black
Them: I haven’t seen you in a long time.
Me: You’re welcome.
I think illegal drugs are just the government trying to teach the metric system on the sly.
I just want someone to tell me how strong I am after I open a difficult container