*at the bakery*
Baker: “I’m sorry. We’re out of buns, but we have other baked goods.”
Me, with my pet anaconda: “Listen, hun…”
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Player 1: There goes his funny bone.
Player 2: *buzz* Don’t touch the sides!
Surgeon: What are you two doing in here?!
“BRING ME THE FOETUS’ OF 3 CHICKENS”
*Maniacal stare*
“Listen dude, its called an omelette,a 3 egg omelette”
“AND THE BLOOD OF 4 ORANGES”
Consistent as a McDonald’s ice cream machine
Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
Just think, in 10 years you’re going to wish you look as good as you do right now. Assuming you’re still alive.
~inspirational
Everything I learned about the Kardashians, I learned against my will.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
5-year-old: Why are we here?
Me: Philosophers still don’t know
5: No, why are we HERE
Wife: Your dad is lost and won’t ask for directions
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Please don’t exorcise the demon possessing me if it’s really good at things like small engine repair or has a secret recipe for a perfect pie crust.
It shakes her nerves and it rattles her brain,
Too much Swiss cheese drives my nan insane,
She flipped a stall,
At the village hall,
Goodness gracious, fête brawls of Gruyere!
In our wedding, I’ll invite his ex and be like “Still believe you can get him back?”
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
Batman V Superman 2:
Both men agree their last battle was too destructive
They settle their differences by playing Uno
Loser leaves earth
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs
The snake that couple found in a bag of lettuce in Aldi is just one more in a long list of reasons to avoid salad.
Opposing counsel licks his thumb every time he turns a page in his file and basically I didn’t even know this rage inside me existed.
“Turtle Power” is not an appropriate response when HR asks you how you plan to meet your objectives this year. Apparently.
My doctor just asked me if I wanted a shot and I think I answered correctly because we are in a bar and this whiskey tastes really good
Wanna get rich?
Buy my book, ‘How to Get Stupid People on the Internet to Send You $39.95’ for only $39.95.
friend: how did the neck surgery go?
me: i honestly haven’t looked back since.
Everyone asks me when I’m gonna start a family but no one asks me when I’m gonna stop a family
I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard
I hate it when my 4th grader doesn’t get an 100% on her school project.
I mean, I really worked on it.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
It wouldn’t be appropriate for me to comment further but that’s not going to stop me.
Raising children takes a village, preferably one with many vineyards.