If you’re ever bored in a taxi I recommend mouthing, “Help Me” to strangers and watching their facial expressions
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Fun Fact: If you wear scrubs, people will tell you all kinds of unsolicited and disgusting problems.
My daughter just called it the “Heimlich Remover” and I’m choking with laughter.
I get Botox so my face won’t show people what I really think.
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
People are shocked when I tell them I’m a horrible electrician
[Lying on a bed of expensive Vitctoria’s Secret panties]
Me: This is absolutely magnificent.
[Alarm clock sounds. Wakes up on a bed of dollar store panties]
Me: This is pretty alright I guess.
I always text a girl 5 minutes after our first date ended and say ~ “I haven’t given up on us.”
*sees cute baby*
Everyone: omg I want oneMy ovaries, taking a drag of a cigarette: ya’ll hear something?
Why can’t my kids understand that I’m just not into parenting right now.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat
Never figured out why animated movies always showed a witch brewing some boiling hot Mountain Dew in a big cauldron.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
I’d take Cap’n Crunch more seriously if his eyebrows weren’t on his hat.
– much ado about nothing
– 2 much 2 nothing
– much ado 3: toyko drift
– much nothing
– much 5
– much ado 6
– nothing 7
host: welcome to Are You Faster Than a 5th Grader.
me: faster?
Braden: [has a chainsaw]
When you wave your hand under automatic soap dispenser for 45 seconds and nothing, then it dispenses the minute you switch to the next one.
interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
me: i’m a slow learner
interviewer: well…that’s not good
me: mannn they said at the last five interviews I went to
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
Where would we be without behavioral economics to deliver us such scorching insights as “try to make an appealing profile” and “swipe right on guys you like.”
The worst part of working from home is not being able to take office supplies from work anymore, now I just have to shoplift them like an ordinary schmo
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
If I was a marriage counselor I would just make the couple look at a dating website for 20 minutes.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
Overheard a woman yelling at her husband for paying more attention to Twitter than to her….Or at least that’s what I think she said to me.
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
if I were in a comic book I would never wear clothes, I would just constantly scream a huge speech bubble over my body
Them: Why are you single?
Me: *flashes back to the time I went out with a really tall guy and couldn’t stop laughing because I could see up his nose* It’s a mystery, really.