I weighed myself today,
then I ate the scale.
You Might Also Like
My 5 y/o woke me up to tell me she had a dream my office was invaded by gorillas and I saved everyone using just a hammer so apparently she thinks I’m a Mario Brother for a living.
[during sex]
HER: I want you to make me scream
ME: *tosses spider onto her chest*
and are these “NFTs” with us in the room right now?
Me: *excited as bird flies up to me* Aw a bird friend, hey little bird!
Bird: Sorry, I thought you were someone else.
dad, why does my cake say “we dont want a talking cake”
“its a long story son”
My father still likes to tell the story about the argument he won with my mother in 1971.
“Dad, I cant sleep.”
Dad: [enters chugging a Monster] SLEEP IS DEAD. GET A JOB.
“Dad Im seven-”
Dad: SO WERE THE DWARVES BUT THEY HAD JOBS.
How to lose weight:
1. Name your kid Weight
2. Take it to the mall
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
[magic school bus]
KID: where are we going today
MS. FRIZZLE: the zoo
KID: but last week we went to SPACE
MS. FRIZZLE: im hungover, children
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Love it! 👍😂
Me: Tonight I’m going to get some good sleep.
WebMD: With the fishes.
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit
[at airport]
TSA: sir, you’ve been randomly chosen for a cavity search.
ME: that’s cool i didn’t know my flight included a dental cleaning
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
My wife and I found each other on a dating website………3 years after we got married. That was awkward.
Me: Uh oh there’s my ex girlfriend. Quick, will you hold my hand so I can make her jealous?
Great grandma: No.
“Baby, you know I’m drunk.”
Cop: “I need you step out of the vehicle.”
You’ll never say “wrong hole” more often than when you’re trying to help a toddler put on gloves.
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Spotify: hey, we make playlists catered to your unique tastes.
Spotify user: listens to 18 hours of Mongolian throat singing, Icelandic drumming bands and a peruvian death metal band.
Spotify: pls listen to drake
Sorry I was late, couldn’t stop spelling banana.
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Doctor: I’m sorry, but your Dad’s in a coma.
Teen: Huh?
Doctor: He’s in airplane mode now.
Teen: OHHH NOOOOO!!
“Nobody will embarrass the UFC more than Jon Jones”
Conor McGregor-“Hold my beer bro”
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.
Me ending every email:
THanks!
THanks{backspace}
THank{backspace}
THan{backspace}
THa{backspace}
TH{backspace}
Thanks!
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.