What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
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Was chatting at our block party and a new neighbor came up and asked if I was this dude’s wife and I said no I’m his mistress just to make it weird and welcome her to the neighborhood.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
An autocorrect with a pulse is called a wife.
“Hello, customer support. How may I help you? You’re looking for a refund? What seems to be the problem?… I understand. Please hold while I direct your call to our mean person.”
THERAPIST: your problem is, that youre perfect, and everyone is jealous of your good posts, and that makes you rightfully upset.
ME: I agree
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won’t need any of you anymore
Hey babies — Trains haven’t gone “choo-choo” for 150 years, get it together.
*watching John Wick*
Ugh, 222 stairs would be difficult enough without fifty guys trying to kill me
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
M: *sweating*
Some Guy: You look hot.
M: *sweaty blushing* thank you
wife: What’s the best moment of your life?
me: That time I won a stuffed dino-
wife: That didn’t involve a dinosaur
me: Our wedding
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[wife looking at credit card statement] did you buy a “talk like lil jon” audiobook
me: WHAT
It has been 3 years since Monday.
Flew too close to the sun? Buddy, I live too close to the sun.
Ah, tax refund season again. I wonder which appliance will break this year?
My 16 has entered the terrible 2s again but with a grown-up nefarious twist.
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
Mirena IUD Commercial on Hulu: “If you can’t keep a plant alive, you definitely aren’t ready to have a baby.”
Me to my kids sitting in the room WHO KNOW THEIR MOM KILLED A CACTUS ONCE: “Welp. This is awkward.”
Gang Leader: did you do the drive by?
Me: *holding milkshakes* what
Play monopoly on the first date so you know what you’re getting into
Haha, murder? No officer, I just wanted to see what would happen if I planted a human
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
I’m so relieved when I see a vehicle pulled over by a cop, I always say, “THANK YOU FOR YOUR SACRIFICE.” as I speed past them.
You might think I’m flirting, but really those faces are just me trying to get the peanut butter off the roof of my mouth
Friend: I love your gray eyeshadow!
Me: I’m not wearing eyeshadow.