YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
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Failed my Politics exam. “Describe the role that India plays in the modern world”.
Apparently “Tech Support” is not the correct answer.
Horrifying if literal: a handbag
*lays head on homeless guys lap*
“You would not believe the day I had”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
[encountering even the mildest of inconveniences] and you would let this happen to me in this, the year of the King’s coronation?
taking lessons in close up magic so when my kids are teenagers I can “impress” all their friends
*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
Ladies, you want to get a man to leave you alone? Just whisper those 2 magic words: I’m pregnant
I finally understand what the cat wants when he wakes me up at 4 am
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Everyday is Easter when you’re shaped like an egg
Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse
The love I feel for my family is always constant. My tolerance is another matter.
I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
No one cares about a firm handshake anymore. Now a slice of ham in your palm…that’s confidence.
God only gives you what you can handle. Really? Because I’m pretty sure I could handle way more money.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
I once conjured a blizzard to get out of a “lunch date”.
I’m just saying, instead of calling it a “mule”, it would have made more sense to call it a honkey.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
Hell hath no fury like that of a woman waiting for you to reply to her text all the while she sees you’re continuing to send tweets.
friend: want to go swimming?
me: *eating biscuits and gravy* no
sometimes I fill up my bathtub with spaghetti sauce and sit in it and pretend I’m a meatball
Want to annoy the man in your life? Pronounce MMA “mama”.
Me: You take my breath away.
Pollen: lol
This squirrel eats better than I do
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Still thinking about the woman on the train I once saw wearing a lanyard that said “Sarah Hunter” and wondering how many Sarahs have died at her hands.
I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.