*walks into library*
“Excuse me, where are your books about asking librarians out on dates?”
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It’s so cold, my dentures are chattering as they soak.
So disappointed. Haven’t sold a single one of my “We Welcome Solicitors” signs on Etsy.
If someone calls me “boo” I automatically assume they’re trying to scare me.
told my therapist i was hesitant to start antidepressants bc of the sexual side effects and she said “do you even have enough sex for that to matter” and long story short im currently headed to walgreens to refill my prescription
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Who wants a McKnuckle sandwich?
FYI: By the end of the Twelve Days of Christmas song, your home is crammed with 23 flying Birds and 50 hyperactive Humans.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
I wonder if Groot met his girlfriend on Timber
Optimus Prime: “I transform from a robot into a truck. You?”
Amazon Prime: “I transform money into regrettable internet purchases at 2 AM.”
I’ve been laughing for an hour straight
I meant to tell a flight attendant I needed a lavatory but I said laboratory instead, and that’s how I got strip searched at 35K feet.
It is not a middle finger
It is my unicorn fist
“hey mister can i pet your dog?”
“sure kid”
“what kind is he?”
“that there’s a pure beef vienna son careful don’t get mustard on your shirt”
The CDC is warning customers to stay away from any form of romaine lettuce.
Deep inside, I always knew that stuff was trouble.
I NEED TO GET BACK TO THE OLD ME WHEN I HAD MY SHIT TOGETHER. I THINK I WAS 7.
Me: I miss you.
My hairdresser: Did you do something to your hair? Please don’t. For the love of god, everything is hard enough without that. Don’t touch it.
Me: No, I just miss —
My hairdresser: Don’t touch it.
Caveman Summer
Dad: Go. Play. Outside.
8: But I want to draw on walls
D: GO!
8: Fine!
*he goes
Mom: Why don’t you go with him?
D: Dinosaurs
When my teenagers give me shit in front of their friends, I ask if they want to come over for a “play date”
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
If I can only taste 999 islands I’m sending this dressing back.
I created a bunch of wifi networks in case any of my neighbors are single
i pretend i don’t care about stuff but that’s only because i have no idea what’s going on around me at any given time.
Me: makes the painful yet responsible choice to face the day
Universe: Here’s an actual dead fly in your cup of coffee
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
Pronounces daughter like laughter because cool dad
[Anteater eats some termites]
[looks up to heaven] “YOU DON’T CONTROL ME, GOD! YOU HEAR ME? I DON’T CARE WHAT YOU NAMED ME!”
The clinic won’t give me any more emotional support spiders since I already swallowed 8 of them this year.