Let me just slip into something a little more comfortable *comes back wearing a wizard costume*
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this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
Maybe the Loch Ness Monster is really just giraffes that don’t want people to know they like to swim
YOU DON’T KNOW
Finish all your pizza or you don’t get any ice cream!
– me, making my kids eat their dinner before dessert
Wife: When lock down is over, we should take the family out
Me: *Sharpening knife* Good idea, I’ve always hated Uncle Geoff
I freaked out thinking a cricket was following me for 3 blocks until I realized my phone alarm was set to the cricket sound
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
i remember the first time i asked my dad to sign something for me in high school. he shook his head and said “if i sign this, you’re going to have to learn how to forge my signature. if you sign it from the start, you’ll be able to sign whatever you want and they’ll never know.”
My coworker had a baby. I had a BLT. I think we all know who the real winner is
*turns Foo Fighters up on the radio*
ME: hell yeah
13: hell yeah, the classics
*clicks the radio OFF*
ME: you’re grounded
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
first you must answer his riddles
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
I kid you not.
-Condom wearers
Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
You probably get this a lot but…
*punches you in the face*
me: *signing to gorilla*
gorilla:*signs back*
reporter: how long did it take him to learn that?
gorilla: years
Marriage tip: If your wife says “I didn’t do it” what she means is “You did it”. Accept it and don’t worry that you don’t remember doing it.
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Which burns more calories? Putting on a wet swim suit or wrestling a sports bra?
I received many personality traits from my mom, but she got her short temper from me.
So when she enters, just start playing & then she’ll NEVER accuse me of being boring in the bedroom again, got it?
Naked Mariachi Band: SÍ
Potatoes make french fries, chips, and vodka. It’s like the other vegetables aren’t even trying.
[stuck on side of road]
DATE: can you change a tire?
ME: what’s wrong with these clothes?
Dear Amazon, I bought a toilet seat because I needed one. Necessity, not desire. I do not collect them. I am not a toilet seat addict. No matter how temptingly you email me, I’m not going to think, oh go on then, just one more toilet seat, I’ll treat myself.
If zombies ever do attack, I’ll just skip coffee that morning. They’ll leave me alone because they’ll think I’m one of them.
When my wife wants my opinion, she’ll give it to me.