Can you imagine being a cat and having to do this NINE times?!
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can’t, I’m burning the Never Going to Give You Up video onto a DVD, labeling it “Important Information” and going to include it with my will so that I can get in one last Rick Roll in
We’re all in this together. Now, make a human shield, peasants.
I was just complaining to myself about how lazy my daughter is until I realized she gets that from me so now it’s adorable and endearing, of course.
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
My dog eats too much food and throws it up. EVERYDAY. I swear to God if she keeps this up, she’s going to look amazing.
Used my dog’s shampoo and now my leg kicks while I’m brushing my hair
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
If you’re not suppose to eat late at night, then why is there a light in the refrigerator?!
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
If I learned anything in college, it’s that pepper spray only stings for a couple hours.
me: i just get the feeling ppl don’t like me, you understand, right?
therapist: no i totally get it
The fact that folks get so riled up over nudity but aren’t upset that anybody could be carrying a gun makes me want to shoot people.
I bought a small box on amazon and unsurprisingly it came in a large box
Elmer Fudd discusses relationship with Bugs Bunny in revealing new interview. “Pwofessional. Not fwiends…it’s compwicated.”
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
roses are red
violets are blue
I don’t think you’re ready
for this spaghetti
Niagara Falls
Me: “OMG are you okay?! That was a bad one!”
If Popeye ate escargots instead of spinach would he be known as Popeye the snailor man?
#SpinachDay
Me: I know every word of the Golden Girls theme song!
Job interviewer:…and a weakness?
Just unfollowed a bunch of people funnier than me. Now my tweets seem, you know, funnier. Tomorrow I unfollow all the good-looking people.
Every nature documentary has a pointless & soft lit cameo by a dung beetle that makes you suspect it’s dating the director
I don’t know why I always end up behind the old lady who is trying to do a reverse mortgage on her home at the ATM.
Commander: ARCHERS READY
Archer: (to guy next to him) dude tbh I was zoned out wtf we supposed to be shooting at
Friend from out of town asked if he could crash on my couch. Had to explain to him that I’m married now, so that’s where I sleep.
as i search desperately for my floor, panic rises in lieu of the elevator
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
People think it’s embarrassing Elvis died taking a shit in the bathroom but it’s way less embarrassing than if he died taking a shit in the kitchen or something