Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
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At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
A good lawyer can generally cite a couple hundred laws off the top of their head and that’s still fewer rules than the games my 11 y/o invents and makes me play with her.
I was challenged to fisticuffs in the carpark once, other chap led the way, I followed until we came to a corridor which led back to the bar, I took it, he carried on oblivious, never seen him again, bouncer wouldn’t let him back in – God bless him.
A long time ago, I learned the importance of just being myself. I think the world would be a better place if everyone would just be myself.
if you ate peanuts out of those bowls on bars in the 80’s or 90’s you’re a little gross for doing that but you’re also immune to pretty much every virus or disease ever
My three favorite things are eating my wife and not using punctuation
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Turns out when you’re a grown up, you CAN do anything you want, you just have to deal with the fallout…
*pizza dough plops on head*
Jaws is such a great film because it taps into that primal human fear of our beach resorts becoming unprofitable.
6yo: What does it feel like to be invisible?
Me: (on toilet) I wish I knew.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
I don’t want kids for the simple reason that math has changed and I won’t be able to help with their homework
I bet when spiders see those fake green cob webs on Halloween they must be like “Ugh, tourists”.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
I have 2 words for you:
Waffle.
Pants.Also, I may be high from paint fumes.
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
I used to be embarrassed when people held my money up in the light to check for fraud but now it’s just another atta girl that my art degree and life of crime is paying off.
What is the deal with airplane food?
Seriously, I’m trying to feed this thing and I don’t know what airplanes eat.
Day 2 of being Kidnapped.
Kidnappers have now committed suicide.
FB post from HS friend on pic: My boyfriend is such a dreamboat!
My comment: So was the Titanic.
A bloke just in front of me got knocked over by a runaway shopping trolley and if I hadn’t paused to look at a couple of fish fillets it could have been me. I immediately thought, there but for the brace of cod go I.
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Now that robots move their limbs smoothly and with grace, I wonder how we’re supposed to imitate them on the dance floor.
Best Attribute: parallel parking
Worst Attribute: can’t stop talking about how great I am at parallel parking
{Horses on a road trip passing my house}
HORSE 1: *Points at me in my yard* Human.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”