if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
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If your wife asks “Why are you like that?” It’s a compliment, right?
At least six times I day I stare at my desk and wonder which object will injure me enough to get me out of work but not hurt that much.
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Every homemade dinner counts as negative calories because of the exercise we get waving pillows at the smoke detectors.
Some people are like a ray of spray tan.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
I’m not saying that I haven’t slept for a while, but could you kindly ask your eyebrows to stop rearranging themselves on your face?
Before marrying him please check the size of his head, things are not funny in the labor room😏
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
Sunday afternoon is for relaxing, so watch this go in a loop as many times as you need
I still have a landline…
or as I call it a
Cell Phone Finder
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
synchronized noseblowing
You fool…sexy ladies are throwing themselves at you and you’re ignoring them because internet nerds have convinced you that “bots” are real
[watching two deer have sex] well, that’s one way to make a buck
People moaning about the weather at least it’s not snowing. Imagine shovelling snow in this heat.
[after I cut a bagel] would you like the side that is somehow three times larger than the original bagel or the side that is the first object ever to have only two dimensions
best thing about tennis is the way the lifeguard shouts the score
best lyric of all time is when elton John was like “if I was a sculptor, but then again no” like pls I’m on the edge of my seat .. what were you going to do as a sculptor Elton!?!!!
My kid said if I don’t stop calling it ‘Instantgram’ that he won’t talk to me for the entire Summer. So I’m going to start saying ‘The Facebook’ as well, just to be sure.
Him: It’s been like 30 years, I think you should let it go.
Me: It could still happen.
Him:
Me: [to my John Taylor Duran Duran poster] He’s just jealous.
[garden]
tomato plant: how’s your summer?
pepper plant: oh not bad, kinda small peppers this year
tomato plant: hang in there, i’m sur-
ZUCCHINI PLANT: I DOMINATE YOUR SKIES WITH MY FOLIAGE. MY MASSIVE FRUIT CONSUMES YOUR TERRITORY. MY YELLOW FLOWERS WILL BE AT YOUR FUNERAL.
Me: “I don’t make everything sexual”
*plugs phone into charger*
“You like that huh?”
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
Me, in DM rooms…
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free