Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
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My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m not buying a coffee table until I finish walking around the furniture store barefoot kicking legs to see which hurts the least.
11 years ago when trying to bag my boyfriend I tried to eat a whopper in front of him in a hot way and I 100% pulled it off. In a way I am more proud of that than my records.
We love walking in the cemetery but it turned into more of a jog after my dog started barking at one of those gravestones with the big kneeling angel on it.
If we ever got together just know that I would totally shower and brush my teeth every day, even on holidays and weekends
Due to an unforeseen error during last night’s love making session I am forced to wear non matching socks today
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
me: can I get 20 nuggets and–
priest: this is a confessional, not a drive-thru
me: oh *sign of the cross* I confess I would like 20 nuggets and a large Sprite
BOSS: Welcome aboard! This is the time clock—
ME: All clocks are ‘time’ clocks, you simpleton.
My youngest just learned that he and his older brother have the same last name. He said, “You mean you never told me this?!” 😆
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
“Get off the phone”
“Wash your hands”
“Pull up your pants”
“Make me dinner”My son runs a pretty tight ship in our household
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
‘Your legs, your thighs, they got me hypnotized’
~me talking to my KFC
If I had an out of body experience I would probably just use the time to scratch my own back.
*tumbles down basement stairs, laundry flying everywhere*
Me: *whispers through pain* parkour…
Living your life to the fullest does not have to involve selfies with bison.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Waiter: Fresh pepper, sir?
Me: Yes, please.
Pepper: Honey, I’m as single as a dollar and I’m not lookin’ for change.
I’m having a shitty day, but then I remembered to shift my perspective, and I realized I’m also having a pretty crappy week.
Mary had a little lamb.
The doctor fainted.
Got kicked off the police force for saying “Ooooooo, somebody’s in trouble” every time I made an arrest.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
me (first day as a judge): YOU’RE OUT OF ORDER!
McFlurry machine: you’re new here aren’t you?
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
ME: *slides envelope across the table
COP: *opening it* This is half a ticket to an MC Hammer concert from 1990
ME: You’ll get the other half when I’m out of here
GENIE: you have three wishes
ME: wow ok gimme a second
GENIE: done
ME: wait
GENIE: sure if that’s your wish
ME: be quiet
GENIE:
ME: damn