Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
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What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
Parenting tip: From day one never cut a crust off a sandwich; your kids won’t know there’s any other way. Stay lazy, my friends.
I’d like to pay my .30 library fine with two credit cards please.
I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
They banned hot dogs at the office ever since i used them as drumsticks on susan’s neck.
my sister: snowboards
my brother: skateboards
me: charcuterie boards
Micro-dosing sleep by just closing my eyes for a moment while I’m driving.
…Hey, this road has a lot more fish than usual.
They say dress for the job you want, so here I am, causally dressed as the moon
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
Me: “Thanks for always being here for me.”
*leans in for a kiss*
Liquor store clerk: “Please just pay for your bourbon and leave.”
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
Excuse me while I go powder the inside of my nose.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
On bad days I like to take a pregnancy test to remind myself that things could be much worse.
I’m looking at two autographs of Mickey Mouse and I’m pretty sure one of them is a forgery.
It’s not fair how teenagers today can avoid social interaction with family by staring at their phones
I had to show my contempt by grunting
If I were lost and all I had was a compass I would still be lost.
god I hope there’s no such thing as reincarnation I’m way too tired to do this again
[final debate]
TRUMP: I’d like to apologize to hillary
MODERATOR: umm ok
HILLARY: umm ok
TRUMP: I brought a gift *hands her a galaxy note 7*
[Someone is rude to me]
ME: “Oh well.”[Someone is rude to my friend]
ME: *frantically googling for spells that turn people into crabs*
Screaming into a pillow is therapeutic but it also gets you kicked out of Target.
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
Kids today will never understand just how COOL it felt to be a little white girl singing all the words to “Gangsta’s Paradise”.
If you ever wanted to watch another human take 20 minutes to eat 1 slice of bread because all of a sudden they were soo hungry, then kid bedtime™️ might be right for you
Realtor: Why r u moving?
Me: I’ve been eating w my hands for 2 months because the sideways spatula won’t let me open my silverware drawer.
Actually Jesus wasn’t the carpenter, Joseph was. You’re thinking of the Carpenter’s Monster