I’m at that age where I’d rather finish a terrible movie than start another one because it’s 7:30pm and I may still fall asleep during this one.
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Passing by a group of ladies:
*conversation stops*
Walking back by:
*conversation stops*Me *giddy* I take their breath away!
Psychiatrist is just a fancy word for mood critic.
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Suez Canal: what the hell?
container ship: PARKOUR!
Cop: You were going 30 over the speed limit
Me: Are you sure about that?
*gives him a handful of Cheez-Its*
Cop: Have a nice day, sir.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
The most high pressure life situation is doing math in front of someone.
[Jail]
INMATE: I killed a guy.
SCOOBY DOO VILLAIN: I got caught trying to haunt an old warehouse by a bunch of teenagers and a talking dog.
5yo: I made this for you.
Me: How nice! Um…what is it?
5yo: I was hoping you’d know.
I’m writing a book about a future hurricane. It’s only a draft at the moment
The most valuable lesson I learned from Hey Arnold is that it’s okay to punch mouth breathers in the face.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
[marriage counseling]
prince eric: i just feel like the communication is lacking
ariel [frantically gesturing at legs and mouth]: Mm hm HM hm hm MM
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
How many dates should you wait before you tell a girl that you’re just a barn owl
My grandma was the sweetest. I remember when I was sick she used to rub Vick’s Vapo-Rub on the cat. She was old.
8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good
One day my daughter will walk into the kitchen when I’m sneak-eating cookies and there will be a reckoning
No, I’m not proud to be eating Cheetos with chopsticks but I’m knitting so I do feel kinda smart.
Cause of death: doing a gentle twist to the right
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me in tagged photos