I think most “Emergeny Exit Only – Alarm Will Sound” doors are bluffing, but I’m too much of a coward to find out.
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Planet of the Apps.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Please stop telling dirty jokes at the office. It’s inappropriate, and you’re talking too softly for me to hear the punchlines.
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
Me: So, hypothetically speaking, if we were dating would I get any free food?
Her: Uh, excuse me?
Me: *sigh* #1 combo with cheese, please.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
What if bananas turn black and bruised because they run their own fight club when we’re not around?
yeah i’d have thought so, he’s a cat
sometimes i forget my high school chemistry teacher had beef with me, a 16 year old, because i told her i didn’t like the big bang theory
Interviewer: It says here you’re interested in waterfowl genealogy.
Me: I became fascinated with the subject when I noticed that both Daffy Duck and Donald Duck share the same family name and both their names begin with D.
Interviewer:
Me: And neither wears pants
5yo to 3yo: Clean up these Legos or I won’t get to play on my iPad.
Yeah, my 5yo is gonna do great in middle management.
*Me presenting a life sized cardboard cutout of Keanu Reeves wearing a beret
Architecture Board: That’s not at all what “Neo-French” means…
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
I am HOWLING at this
I don’t think I could pass a polygraph, even the simple questions because I overthink. They would ask is Amanda is my name and I’d be conflicted because I know my birthname before I was adopted or they would ask if I had ever did acid & I haven’t but I use hyaluronic in skincare.
I just heard a newborn crying & my remaining ovary shriveled up & fell out. I kicked it under the fridge. The ovary, I’m not a monster.
lil red riding hood: the Internet told me there are two wolves inside of you
granny: *sweating* haha what I don’t even have one haha who reads things on the Internet
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
Dogs are the most loyal, protective creatures on the planet unless someone near you has food and then lol you’re on your own.
Just walking down the “Gluten Free” aisle, secretly dropping boxes of Twinkies in everyone’s carts.
I’m not a professional photographer, I’m just a club photographer. I take pictures at the club & people pay me to delete them.
Memo means idiot in Spanish. So yeah, I’ve written plenty of memoirs.
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
gf: i’m breaking up with you.
me: is it my drinking habits?
gf: well it…
me: *interrupts with empty cup straw-sipping noise for 2 minutes*
No you cannot have candy until you finish your spoonful of Nutella is apparently something I say now
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
I admit it. If I were a man, I’d be a creepy @ guy for sure.
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Me: I’ve sorted these toy boxes so you can put vehicles in one box and people and characters in the other. It will make tidying up quick and easy. Shall we try it?
4yo: *picks up a transformer. Philosophical debate ensues.*