I have been single so long, I can finish my own sentences.
You Might Also Like
Apparently this isn’t a nude beach. This isn’t a beach at all. I’m at Target. Don’t do drugs kids.
Optimus Prime: *in an auto parts store* where are your dressing rooms
The Bangles neglected to mention Manic Monday is followed by Trauma Tuesday, Wacko Wednesday, and Therapy Thursday.
sober: damn im too lazy to make any food tonight
after two beers: it’s time to cook all the spaghetti in my kitchen
700 people a year die falling down stairs that’s why my house only has slides
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
Interviewer: Do you have any special skills?
[Me, attempting to remove stapled sheets of paper with a sword]: no
COP: Is this man bothering you ma’am?
ME: She’s my wife
MY WIFE: [mouthing and nodding yes behind me]
I have a book called Overcoming Procrastination that I bought in 2003 that I’ve never read
I’ve been chasing a fly around my apartment for like 20 mins with a rolled up magazine. There’s a really good article I think he should see
ME: (ordering for my date) What do you recommend for the lady?
HOT DOG VENDOR: Hot dogs.
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
lmfao
*dragging a trampoline to under your window”
Well you cut down your tree so I have to improvise.
[in car]
7: mom, who sings this song?
Me: Pink Floyd*5 minutes later*
7: who sings this one?
Me: still Pink Floyd, buddy
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Stop asking dumb questions on the internet; ask for money.
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
Daylight Saving Time is a scam. It was originally pushed through Congress by Big Candle.
“I FIXED IT!”
Hey, boy. Are you a Swiss army knife?
Because you’re a smaller, less effective version of everything I need.
When we die, do you think that we go to heaven and reunite with all of the socks we have lost over the years? And St. Peter is just smiling like “go on in, they’re waiting for you” and it’s just a plush, green meadow full of all of your lost socks frolicking in the sun.
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
Why do the French eat snails?
Because they don’t like fast food.
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
Public transportation is great but they should invent a type where it’s only me in the vehicle