Cyber Monday but instead of buying more stuff, I get rid of it by putting it in Amazon boxes on my porch and let it get stolen
You Might Also Like
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
10:00pm
*gets a snack*
10:01pm
*turns on tv*
10:02pm
*glances at twitter for 8 seconds*
February
Inventor of wicker furniture: I want this to break and injure someone eventually
Those A24 movies with narrow aspect ratios should make use out of the extra space on the sides of the screen. Put up some NFL scores or something
Dad, why do we celebrate 4th of July?
Well son, it celebrates our defeating the aliens that blew up the White House after Will Smith attac
baby daddy implies the existence of ginger daddy, scary daddy, Victoria Beckham daddy and sporty daddy
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Him: I love you to the moon.
Me: And back?
Him: Shhh, let’s just get you to the moon.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
me: sweet chainmail
knight: thanks tell six of your friends or I’ll kill you
Eating just one animal cracker is impossible. The entire herd must go.
17 year-old Malia Obama playing beer pong is the most outrageous thing the child of a president has done since George W. Bush invaded Iraq
Two mushrooms in a forest.
One says: “Hi, how are you?”
The other replies: “Shut up, mushrooms can’t talk!”
#RubbishJokes #WednesdayVibe
doctor: get ready to say ‘aah’
me: why are we on the roof
Vowels were invented by old men trying to take their socks off
I bet the creator of the artificial heart is pretty pissed that we still use “sliced bread” as our basis for great inventions.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Overheard by myself while in the bathroom just now:
•”That’s cheating; you can’t jump off that!”
•”You’re using toothpick as a weapon?!”
•”Shh… if we only eat two each, she won’t know.”
•”I bet Mom’s reading a book in there.”
*picks up frog*
*kisses it*
Frog: you know I’m poisonous, right?
Me: oh thank god.
i can confirm that Somali pirates have intercepted my shipment of 20,000 glossy 8×10 headshots and are using them for vile purposes
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
I spend an awful lot of time picking the most desirable potato chips out of the bag for someone who’s going to eat them all anyway.
So, I got banned from the toy store today…
Baby: *sleeps longer than expected*
Me: *checks if baby is alive*Kid: *makes loud thud from other room*
Me: *checks if kid is alive*Teen: *hasn’t sighed in an hour*
Me: *checks if teen is alive*
Son: what’s the term for animals that come out in the dark?
Me: party?
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.