Me: Alexa, tell me a joke.
Alexa: I’m afraid I can’t due to all the updog.
Me: (long pause) Alexa, take over my Twitter.
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Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
Crayons overthrow royal blue, elect sienna-tors.
Be the reason she can’t walk properly.
~ 5 inch heels probably ~
“Say again” – I wasn’t listening
“Pardon?” – I didn’t hear you
“Eh?” – What are you on about?
“You what?” – What the hell are you on about?
“What did you just say?” – I might have to fight you
“I beg your pardon” – I might have to challenge you to a duel
Another Twilight movie?God I hope Abraham Lincoln shows up and slays every last one of them.
Why is it called “reading a book” and not paper view?
Sorry, but your password must contain an uppercase letter, a number, a haiku, a gang sign, a hieroglyph, and the blood of a virgin.
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Me singing: Then I saw her face!! Now I’m a Beliber! Not a trace of doubt in my mind!
Roommate: You DO know that’s a guy…right?
Super disappointing that the government is taking so long to distribute and administer the murder hornets
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Him: I bet she’s thinking about other guys
Me, deep in thought: I am personally offended that 7 tortilla chips is a serving size
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
i’m vegetarian, but sometimes i introduce myself as vegan so people will leave me alone
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
My Sister: My baby doesn’t sleep! The books say newborns sleep 16 hours a day!
Me: Unfortunately, some babies don’t read those books.
How the hell did we win World War II? Every soldier I’ve seen who fought in it is old as shit.
[Medieval Europe]
Knight: Ready the catapult! We’ll fling one of their dead soldiers back at them.
Me *the corpse*: Don’t call it a comeback!
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
[Date]
Him: I don’t trust myself round youHer(flirting): Oh, stop
Him: I bought an iPad on your credit card when you were in the restroom
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
I have some bad news. I was experiencing some symptoms and got myself checked. It’s as I feared.
I tested positive for being brown.
Roses are red, violets are fine, I’ll be the 6 if you’ll be the 9.
I’m kind of excited about the apocalypse. I would love to eat a basement full of food.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.