The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”
I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”
You Might Also Like
My plane has an entire high school wrestling team on it, so I imagine we’ll crash in a forest & I’ll become their King.
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.
Them: You should spend time with the ones you love. You never know when they’ll be taken from you.
Me: You’re absolutely right.
[buys the concert tickets]
Welcome to Hypochondriac Club. First- oh, Kim looks a bit pale. Kim you shouldn’t have come if you’re sick. Now I feel pale do I look pale
COP: I need to see some ID
ME: [hands him ID]
COP: this isn’t yours
ME: you said “some”
COP: lol wow good point you’re free to go
My husband just said that he’s eating dinner and then he’s coming to bed for dessert and honestly I’m just wondering how he found out about the peanut m&m’s I stashed in my nightstand.
Me: *finishes my dope hula hoop routine
Judge: Still guilty.
Remember when that really cute guy held the door for you at the book store? He doesn’t.
[1st date]
Her: we should keep religion out of this
*religion gets up & leaves the table*
Me: see what u did? *I get up and chase after it*
Talking to my mother-in-law exclusively in Spanish hasn’t really improved my Spanish, but I have gotten very good at charades.
Aquarium managers: This is now a completely smoke-free facility.
Puffer fish: Dammit.
there had to be at least one guy in Troy who looked at the Trojan horse and was like “oh my god do not bring that wooden piece of shit in here”
If an assassin ever wanted to kill me but make it look like an accident they could just wait until I was walking down the stairs with a plateful of nachos and throw me a pizza
I’m crowd funding an organic lettuce purchase from Whole Foods.
The old expression “dollars to donuts” accurately describes my method of currency exchange.
It’s super offensive when they move on before you did.
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
Don’t tell me what to do
“I loves hows you’ve done me spinach Doc!” Popeye tells his host.
Hannibal winks. “The secret is to add a bit of Olive Oil.”
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
BARISTA: Would you like to try our new special Peruvian blend? It’s sm-
ME: I’m just trying to stay awake and not punch anyone.
How come when I was a kid and lost a tooth it was all “Look at you, big guy!,” but now it’s just “Bro, you really gotta reconsider your life choices.”
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
Uses power washer to clean food stained Tupperware.
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
Like on Amazon or in our house?
[My response when my wife asks me if I can find something for her]