I can judge the goodness of my sex life by the loudness of the terrible music the neighbors are blasting
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Always the person who refuses to go to the wedding.
Never the bride.
There’s no logical reason for shorts to be the same price as pants.
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
That kid that said “if the teacher doesnt show up in 15 minutes, we are legally allowed to leave” is in prison now.
Not sure why people with shingles aren’t prescribed roofies.
And send.
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
Every time I play guitar at home, my wife goes looking for a cat we don’t have.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Brad Pitt: Doc, did you ever see my movie “Seven” with me and Morgurt Freeman?
Doctor: I think you mean Morgan
Brad: Sorry, Morgurt Morgan
[1st date]
Would you excuse me for a moment?
*date checks her watch while Im visible through the window playing with dogs across the street*
SORTING HAT: this kid’s a piece of shit uh I mean slytherin
I love watching my 3yo and 2yo fight because they throw kicks and nobody makes contact and they say shit like, “you’re boring!” and “I have socks!” as insults and it’s amazing.
Dentist: So when was the last time you flossed?
Him: Dude you were there
I texted my girlfriend “goodnight, love you” but accidentally sent it to my boss. Now Its awkward, cause he holds my hand during meetings.
What was I like in high school? You know that guy who drove a Camaro and banged all the cheerleaders? I’m the reason he passed calculus
The invisible woman had sex with the wolfman and now they’re expecting a where-wolf.
Those are good neighbors.
God: I made something new. It’s like a tornado, but smaller.
Angel: What do you call it?
God: A toddler.
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
[first time golfing]
caddy: which club would you like sir
me: do you have turkey
God: You really should return to Earth
Jesus: *takes bong hit* Tomorrow
God: You’ve been saying that for centuries
Jesus: *exhales*
For those who don’t know the difference, GRAPHIC NOVELS are COMPLETE stories, where as COMICS are people I try not to date any more.
Sitting here at Starbucks, everyone looking at their phones and only one person’s noticed mine’s a calculator.
When guys hold up their legs while riding a motorcycle. Like oh r u having soooo much fun. Are you saying weeeeeee
After a heated discussion with Marie Kondo i’ve decided to throw myself in the trash.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
Using dog shampoo when I run out of cat shampoo because I ran out of human shampoo a week ago.