ethics professor: ur failing my class
me: [slides over $20] how about now
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Barber: Snip snip snip snip snip.
Me: What are you doing?
Barber: I’ve lost my scissors and I was hoping I could trick you into thinking I was cutting your hair by saying snip.
Me: I can see you in the mirror.
If you see a dentist get shot and hes bleeding out, just casually mention how he needs to floss more so he doesnt bleed out like that
When she told me, “You’re best to try and get out in front of it,” I didn’t realize she was referring to a large truck…
Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
Oh wow Linda the pizza here “isn’t even close” to what you had studying abroad in Rome? The pizza at this airport Sbarro’s isn’t doing it for you? I am shocked
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SEXY POTATO: Hey buddy, my eyes are up here, and over here, and down here, and around here and
In the army. One day we f***** off our CO & he made us polish our boots “like a mirror”. We had to march into his office 1 by 1 and hold our boots up for inspection. Except it was always the same pair, we just handed them to the next squaddie in the hall as we left his office.
How do I get a job as the non-research half of a murder podcast that just contributes the occasional well-timed “wait, what?”
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I learned two important lessons today. I can’t remember the first lesson, but the second one is I have to start writing things down.
Show me your nuts.
Show me you’re nuts.See how important the “you’re” “your” thing is?
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Some of your neighbors’ doors are too sophisticated to be unlocked with a credit card. For everything else, there’s MasterCard®.
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
*flirting with a guy at work*
Soooooo, what do you do for a living?
Hey guys. Stop touching your wife’s pregnant belly in pictures. We get it, you came in her.
It’s that time of year when the neighbors start longing for winter days because they’re tired of seeing me at the mailbox in my drawers.
I’m going green for the holidays.
Grinch green.
Today is a new day. Be thankful. Do something nice for yourself. Call someone you haven’t spoken to in a while. Run with a pair of scissors
Please don’t block me 😂😂😂😂
am i supposed to have a separate mouth with which to kiss my mother please advise
the simulation is moving too fast
The paper defeats rock explanation that the paper will wrap around the rock has always been lame. The rock is just as dangerous with paper wrapped around it; it is not defeated.
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am