Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
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ME: Hey Alexa, is bread a type of cheese?
Hitman that’s been hiding in my closet: [leaving my house] Ok you have your own thing going on.
Americans: Iran and Iraq are countries, not Apple products, so say their names properly.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
if you aren’t on threads I just want you to know everyone is talking shit about you
Chicken salad with egg in it is my fave way to eat two generations.
It’s a dad joke because the corniness is readily a parent.
casting director: whenever you’re ready
me: the name’s bond… james bond
casting director: okay, hold up a sec. do you want to try it without the finger guns
me: no
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Me: How are you doing?
4yo: Thank you…and no thank you!
Me: Same though.
ATM is telling me I have insufficient funds. Worst part is I was just walking by minding my own business.
Did someone text back with just “K”? You know what you should do? Stop texting them dumb shit.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
This is an emergency!
*Begs to borrow strangers phone
*starts scrolling through pics
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
The Raptcha…you have to prove you’re not a robot before you can get into heaven
When you wear a cardigan for the very first time it’s just called a card
When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
*waking up from a nightmare* okay no this is worse
[finishing dinner]
her: should we stay for dessert, or you want to back to my place for that 😉
me: *scanning the menu* do you have chocolate souffle at your place?
her: no, but-
me: let’s stay
My 3 year old daughter lost screen time for misbehavior, and now she keeps trying to talk to me.
Well-played, kid. Well-played.
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
No one:
Cats: When they say “get off” ignore them, we’re cats.
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Dragons aren’t evil; they’re just upset that they can’t enjoy Popsicles and other frozen treats.
Newlyweds: What is mine is yours and what is yours is mine.
Married 10 years: You’re sitting in the dog’s spot.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.