Of all the things I could be called, on the phone is my least favourite.
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Me when I wear 4 inch heels
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
One of the hardest things I’ve ever done as a parent is hold back crying laughter while telling my kid not to refer to Aquaman as Seaman.
In what room do you guys hang the portrait of yourself as a centaur? I was thinking kitchen. The bedroom is kinda cliche
We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Just watched a dog chase its tail for 10 min., thought “damn so easily entertained” then realized I watched a dog chase his tail for 10 min.
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
My life is a constant battle between wanting to correct grammar and wanting to have friends.
Avoid getting invited to family reunions by asking your relatives for money.
I’m suppose to give my wife an injection today but she’s worried cuz she’s seen my many struggles with Capri Sun straws.
This morning at 4am, I was so tired – I nearly brought an aubergine with me instead of my sunglasses
North Korea is officially named the Democratic People’s Republic of Korea. That’s like naming a prison The Fun Time Slumber Party Facility.
[sipping hot orange juice] if you’re breaking up with me at least give me a reason
I secretly gave our Waffle House waitress a $100 tip and my family can’t figure out why she’s crying & hugging me & trying to get in our car
Familiarity with a stranger might mean they’re an old soul you knew in a former life.
But it’s more likely a sociopath.
~Inspirational
[zombies eating me]
Zombie 1: does he taste funny to you?
Zombie 2: no, he tastes like he’s trying too hard
Have friends in your life that can text you things like ‘I’m playing with fire’ and you’re unsure if they’re using a metaphor or dabbling in arson.
Jodie from HR: Through god, all things are possible
Me: Okay do a kickflip
Jodie: What
Me: Do a double kickflip right now
opening gifts that say ‘from mom & dad’ and knowing that dad is going to be just as surprised as you are
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
my kid was complaining she’s bored so I found her a tutorial on mining Bitcoin.