That feeling when he says you look angelic but you don’t know if he means you look really pretty or if you have an abnormally high number of eyeballs.
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A man was arrested on Brighton beach today for throwing pebbles at the sea birds.
He was accused of having left no tern unstoned.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it
“what that mouth do?” complain
[1st day as a Crime Scene Investigator]
me: *vomits everywhere and passes out
training supervisor: “if thats your reaction to a W-4 form and an orientation packet then this might not be the job for you”
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
if you went to a thousand costume parties you would never see anything greater than this
Drive thru service was invented for those of us who don’t have the energy to look presentable at 6 in the morning but need that coffee.
I’m so sorry dunkin donuts drive thru window worker.
Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
im gonna have a productive weekend
*watches 3 seasons of a show*
*organizes shirts by softness*
*naps 5 times*
ugh i never have enough time
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
I’ve requested to be buried in a spring loaded casket filled with confetti so that a future archeologist will have one awesome day at work.
I tried counting sheep to get to sleep, but one was missing and now I’m gonna be up all night worrying
But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
Me: Wait, you think I’m a slow learner?
Wife: (two years earlier) Why are you such a slow learner?
Jiminy Cricket: [singing] Always let your conscience be your g–
Me: *sprays insect repellent*
My 3 yr old nephew: I learned numbers at school today.
Me: Cool, tell me a number you learned.
3: P & H
Me: this new math is challenging
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.
Lawyer: did your boyfriend commit the crime?
Girlfriend: honey he can’t even commit to this relationship
Entire jury: OH SNAP
FUN FACT: baby penguins fit perfectly into a T-shirt cannon.
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
If your human doesn’t feed you immediately, run in front of their feet and trip them up.
~Cats, apparently.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.