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DOCTOR: This man needs blood!
DRACULA: And this man needs soup!
WAITER: Why do you two order like this?
Just saw a WiFi name called “Hot Signals In Your Area” and honestly that’s iconic
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
[first day as a private investigator]
Boss: you’re late
Me: I couldn’t find the building
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: If we could teach chickens to play basketball, we could set up a league and call it the HenBA
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
[First Date. Full moon]
Her: You looked different in your profile picture.
Werewolf: I forgot to check the calendar
We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.
My family used to move a lot when I was a kid, but I always found them.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
LIAM NEESON: [writing grocery list]
bread
milk
cheese
eggs
vengeance
[he stops writing, frowns]
v̶e̶n̶g̶e̶a̶n̶c̶e̶
grapes
When I get old, I’m going to buy a monster costume to terrorize people for own personal gain, like a Scooby-Doo villain.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
Now they’ll never find me…😂😏🐻
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Hell is where Sarah Palin is president, Taylor Swift is in love with me, and Kim Kardashian names all the children
The kitchen trash will be overflowing and my kids will keep stacking garbage on top like they’re playing Jenga.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
Crocodiles possess the cerebral cortex function necessary for memory. So they’ll likely be hurt if you don’t actually show up after while.
Lady, you misunderstood. When I asked if you would have my kids I didn’t mean sex and babies. I meant take the ones I already have.
selfie game
Stop acting like you’ve never seen someone with a pocket full of chicken nuggets before 🙄
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
*gets home from game*
“whoa what happened to your eye”
I was on the Kiss Cam
“oh she wasn’t into it?”
with the t-shirt cannon guy’s daughter
I’ve heard that some people have kids who sleep through the night and I’d like to know if they use tranquilizers or chloroform
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
Me: One day, when you’re older, I’m gonna come to your house and ask you for a snack every 5 min and beg you to take me places and buy me stuff constantly
9yo: …and I’ll say no to all of it, just like you do
Anytime I go to the doctors I feel so ripped off. Whatever my complaint is, it’s always the same damn advice: “Lay off the methamphetamine.”
Let’s normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I AM NOT REALLY YELLING AT YOU I JUST GOT USED TO TALKING TO MY TEENAGER WHO ALWAYS HAS HEADPHONES IN