Me: *throwing away all the lettuce*
Wife: oh, you already heard about the recall
Me: What recall?
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Oh, you carry a pack of cigarettes rolled up in your T-shirt sleeve..? That’s how I carry my mini babybel.
I work in manufacturing. A guy is downstairs adjusting a machine, and apparently someone brought him the wrong parts. I just heard him yell, “Your nuts are too small! Gary has some extra. Go grab his nuts!”
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Indiana Jones & The Wait What They’re Making Another One
My husband and I have been spending a lot of time together. Now my boyfriend is pissed. It’s like I can’t win.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
Hey Facebook…Meta sounds like the name of Elon Musk’s next girlfriend.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
Please make sure your kid’s middle name pairs well with their first name because you’ll be yelling that combo more than you think.
Drug Dealer: are you wearing a wire?
Me: the only wire I’m wearing is why’re you still single?
Cops Outside In Van: *collective groan*
If I was a magician I’d ask someone in the audience for a $20 bill and then just run away. You could prob make like $40 doing that.
“What’s up?” asked the guy with literally no sense of direction.
[SETI receives extraterrestrial signal from 95 light years away]
[scientist decodes message in the signal]
“enough…with…the…Harambe…jokes”
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
💀💀🤣 Why are we like this?
My kids have the tuition bills of the children of a much wealthier father.
Why do we call it losing weight instead of lightening up?
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
Donald Trump is like the “Scream” movies in that he blurs the line between comedy and horror.
Boss:”I’ll need those projections done Aesop!”
Me:”You mean ASAP?”
Boss:”No, I mean a parable that uses animals to convey a moral lesson.”
{abducted by aliens}
Hey guys…what’s your wi-fi password?
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
i once had a doctor named doctor. dr. doctor. doc doc, for short. who i introduced to my ball-player friend, richard michael gossage. “doc doc, goose,” i said. folks,,
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
(in a rowboat with 6 starving people)
“I think you mean “WHOM should we eat first”
I’ve always admired a man in a uniform who is soft, sweet and tender. I guess my perfect match is the Stay Puft Marshmellow man.
I feel for my kids because for the rest of their lives, when they complain about anything, I’m gonna respond with: you think that’s bad, you should try raising children during a pandemic
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’