For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
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If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”
Me: The only thing I’m guilty of is starting singalongs
Judge: And that you killed a man
Me: put a gun against his head
Jury: pulled my trigger now he’s dead
Judge: mama
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
Server: would you like some freshly grated Parmesan?
Me: yes, please! *opens purse*
It’s not Christmas until I see Snoopy eating 37 human femurs.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
“Eat me,” said the noun
“Say what?” said the verb.
“Eat me,” repeated the noun, word for word.
“Uhh…okay.” Verbatim.
*gets first nose bleed since childhood*
Apparently our periods have synced, can I have some Midol and a tampon?
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
I dated a girl that wore a mood ring. When happy it would be a pretty blue colour. When she was mad it made a big oval mark on my forehead.
[1st date]
Him: This is fun
Me: It is
Him: The last girl I went on a date with was the craziest person I’ve ever met
Me: CHALLENGE ACCEPTED
this idiot cop is still behind me w/ his siren on, I keep moving out of the way & waving & yelling “GO AROUND,” man is he stupid
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
[Eating]
Waiter: How’s the meal?
Me: I dunno. Let me check
*pulls out phone
Me: Not good. It only got 2 likes on Instagram
Waiter: …
My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Wife is painting the upstairs bedrooms. It’s not in my nature to sit still while she slaves away so I went up and complained about the color
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
you ever be washing a spoon and it wash u back?
It’s a day for learning unwanted facts.
I love balloons! I keep tying them to my arm, but I think I’m getting carried away.
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
Why do birds,
suddenly appear,
every time,
you are near?
Just like me,
you seem to be,
made of seeds.
[adjusting my guitar strap after playing my first song at an open mic] this next one is also about my cat