netflix is definitely the most insecure of all the streaming services like be chill bb.
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*checks watch*
*gets up off toilet*
I don’t have time for this shit
Me: shut tf up, I’m trying to sleep
Brain: ….. SO LIKE I WAS SAYING
*takes 5 more shots*
liver: wyd
brain: wyd
stomach: wyd
me to an ex: wyd
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
imagine getting fired from the sperm bank for drinking on the job and having to constantly clarify that
[slowly removing special glasses]
Me (looking left): Bob, that eclipse was amazing
Bob (taps my right shoulder): Hey, I’m over here
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
[crime scene]
ROOKIE COP: but why would a chicken kill himself?
DETECTIVE: *lowers shades* to get to the other side
*rookie cop vomits*
been making the same muffin recipe forever and tonight I finally remembered it by heart. I can’t express how good it felt to know exactly what to do and how disgusting they tasted because I forgot the eggs.
When you’re being watched by a group of people and you’re like… is this how I normally walk? this feels weird, wtf are you doing, legs?
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Never read the comments. Unless you’re posting a comment. Then, read all the comments, because 40 other people already said that, genius.
It’s like my grandma always used to say, “Don’t go to the grocery store hungry and don’t go to the liquor store drunk.”
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
Tell her she looks tired. Chicks love being told they look tired.
Practice safe sex and have sex with a vampire. Vampires are, by default, all about consent because they have to be invited inside.
My milk snake scares all the boys from the yard
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
I was a horrible mother today and declared that I loved one of my kids more than the other. Well what I really said was, ‘please don’t hit your sibling’ but apparently it’s the same thing
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
a fate I wish upon no one
*walking down street with friend*
Well, this is me.
*jumps in front of bus*
My mom at 25: Married, one kid
Me at 25: Wakes up holding a chicken tender after a night of drinking
Can someone who is good with computers help me out? I keep running out of storage space for some reason