One time I made a snowman and gave him a cucumber nose. Carrot noses are the standard protocol but I’m what u would call a rebel.
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If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me singing a couple lines of a song: Alexa find this for me
Alexa: playing video
“Top 10 Creepiest Animal Sounds”
I’m only human — unless I have to figure out a captcha, then I am unable to prove that I am a human.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
“Let’s do 5 sets of squats & then try lifting for an hour. It looks like you got out of shape after your dad died” ~ Really personal trainer
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
I’d choose @funTweeters over anti-depressants any day.
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
Archbishop: If anyone objects to this wedding…
Prince William: Me! Meghan, I adore you!
Prince Harry: Wut?!!! I adore her!Spin Doctors whip out their instruments & huddle together: okay, guys… we’ve been training for this our whole lives!
Iron Man, Iron Man, does everything an Iron can
Gets real hot on a mat, makes your clothes get really flat
Look out! Here comes the Iron Man
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Hey dad, the hospital called, patients
are trying to rest, could you please turn
down your television.
“Are you sure?”
“I’m sure.”
“You’ve tried all of them on?”
“This one.”
My 5yo was talking incessantly in the car and my husband turned the music way up to drown her out and I fell in love all over again.
Me sneaking to the kitchen at 2am to get a peanut butter bar
*asks grocery store manager to write a note telling my wife that I looked everywhere but couldn’t find the ice cream she wanted*
Got a plant that apparently likes a “partially shady area” so I’m planting it in an Italian restaurant in New York
principal: your resume says you only teach subtraction?
me: I just want to make a difference
Our son attempted to explain to his little sister why his mom and I are married, so he told her, “Daddy was the only boy who liked mommy!”
Nothing takes longer than a kid telling you a joke they just made up.
DANNY OCEAN: I’m putting together a crew for the biggest job ever and I need you
ME: *wiping off a giant milk moustache* I am 100% sure you have the wrong person but I’m in
excusing myself in the middle of a date to go to the bathroom and baby-wipe down my whole body. to keep it weird.
Just hit a white kid with dreadlocks with my car. He understood why.